im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize