a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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