Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
