Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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