i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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