You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
