After last night, I could never be a politician.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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