Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
