They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
