This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
