$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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