I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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