turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
