So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
