We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
