listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
