We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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