It's a beautiful day for a hangover
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
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