He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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