Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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