I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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