Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
