im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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