so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
