Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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