My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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