Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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