Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize