So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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