So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
