Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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