I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
