Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
