I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
