I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
