Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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