I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
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You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
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Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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