You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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