one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
