im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
