Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
