Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
