Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Congratulations! We have a period
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