I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
