He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
