three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
