Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost the right to judge tonight
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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