It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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