Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
