You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize
