I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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