i think my tv is drunk
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
