Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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