I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
