1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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